These sites are sites that can be useful to a writer
http://www.synonym.com
Plug in the word out spits the synonym or antonym or even use the site as a dictionary. It will be useful.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar
confused about nouns, pronouns, verbs this site is helpful
NaNoWriMo – writing for a whole month
Edit Minion – a robotic copy editor to find common errors
It has been quite a while since a post appeared here. Many reasons, some I want to talk about others not so much. I want to write and create that much I do know. How to go about it is another story.
I love writing but more often than not I find myself with the desire just to try empty my brain down onto paper or words. I write copiously. I write huge amounts. 3 pages every morning, well most mornings and sometimes if it’s not the morning it’s later in the day. These pages are my Morning Pages. They are written by hand, so yes an actual pen hits paper for three A4 pieces of paper. I enjoy it but it is for the most part nonsense and whinging and truly a brain dump. It seems to allow me to clear my brain somewhat for the day. It is not meant to be seen by anyone and no one does see it. Although most of the time nothing important is in them sometimes it allows me to follow thought patterns over time. I can spend days writing about the same thing but in different ways. I think it allows me to examine my processes form all angles. And initially this annoyed me but I have learned to accept it as part of the process and it is a process. I started the Artist’s Way wanting to find out about my writing, and I have learned about it. I have learned a lot about it and I am in the process of making my desire to be able to write as a full time job.
Maybe spend time with my loved ones animals and people.
And writing here is a step. Writing for me is a truly personal journey with glitches. I write everywhere. I write online, I write in books, I write so may as well as write where it can be seen… for the most part and get practiced again.
And fears and the rest of it. The starts and the stops and the wondering what the hell is going on in my head. It’s all going here. But it is also going to include all the factors of my life.
The joys of successes, not just writing, but in life in general. I think in trying to keep sections apart I have lost things in translation. I am going to share the thoughts that go into my life. The ideas of what may be. The thoughts of a person whose mind races with a thousand thoughts.
Let’s bring it together and see if I can get some things going.
So let’s start with a piece of writing that I did not too long ago.
Still Flash Fiction I will try bring the pieces here as I go
ALABASTER
Your skin, so pale, alabaster the correct term, so very lovely. Your looks divine, dark hair, blue eyes. I am going to enjoy helping you choose your dress and makeup. Seeing you reminds me of a different time when females were almost doll like and either glamorous or femme fatale.
You stroke my lovely creations of silk, satin and lace, your lips part with sensual enjoyment, the selecting of my dresses a treat for the senses. The textures satisfying the need to touch and the colours of the gowns please the eyes.
I have soft music playing in the background, true music, not the annoying tinny stuff found in many department stores. A lovely scent fills the air, real flowers, today roses, a few petals have dropped, and you pick one up savouring its velvet feel.
The selection process takes time as you can’t make your mind up, pulling one dress out after another, holding them against you. The different colours bringing out different facets of personality, the cool white, through to the passionate red. Different styles, displaying different assets, décolletage, graceful back, shapely legs. People have forgotten how to dress, it’s always best to show one asset not all at the same time. Hiding more than you reveal, leaving people who see you wanting more. Class. Seduction how it’s meant to be.
I ask, “What is the dress for? When? Will there be dancing or mainly sitting?” Each question I learn a little more about you. Women such fascinating creatures and you are truly engaging. Your laugh quickens my pulse, and, as we chat I find out about your loving family and man who wishes to marry you. He is taking you to a gala and you have been looking for weeks for something special to wear, to please him. You have wandered from your normal shops as nothing satisfied you, into areas you don’t often go.
A beautiful mannequin in my window caught your attention and here you are, debating between a teal dress that is very demure at the front and daring in the back, or a crimson one that shows the line of your neck and shoulders.
“I think the teal,” I say, ‘“The cut of the silk, the style, it is a dress made for you.”
You smile “Yes.” It’s almost a sigh. You turn each way admiring yourself. You look divine.
You don’t realise what’s happening, a sting and you to start slide to the ground. I have you in my arms before you touch the ground.
I lay you on my workbench. I stroke your hair, it needs to be styled, in keeping with the dress, your makeup highlighting your beauty, captured by me forever.
Your breathing is slowing, I watch your chest struggle to rise, a single tear slipping from your eye as the knowledge that your dreams are gone. I wipe the tear away.
“Don’t worry dear, the dress is yours. I take good care of my mannequins.”
I enjoy the challenge of Flash Fiction, I love the twist at the end that the reader may know is coming but doesn’t know what it is. I enjoy surprising the readers. It satisfies something in my soul.
And writing.
I am going to publish some things on my site. I have joined a couple of writing groups and one of them is flash fiction.
I adore the challenge of getting a story out in such few words. The group I am in is under 500 words.
I have also been writing poetry and working on other items as well.
My aim for this year is get some of my smaller items published. And go from there. I think I will need to rearrange my Blog a little. Freshen it up.
What makes a person look at another and say ‘yep I am in love with them, they are with another, ahhhh fuck it I’m going to try anyway.’ And what makes another person go, ‘hey yeah this is great let’s stuff the relationship.’
Questions that can never be answered. Of course they tell you ‘We are in love.’ ‘We couldn’t help it.’ ‘It was destiny’
Yeah right. I tend to believe doesn’t matter how attractive you find another person that if you are married, they are married then you keep your hands to yourself. Funny thing was I thought my ex was like that too. When I look at papers he sent me. He can’t spell his children’s names right, apparent;y he left me months before we had our last child, which, was news to me as he certainly insisted that he hadn’t done anything till after he had told me he was leaving. Oh and that even though he still insisted the woman that he ran off to be with believed that a a 2 year point that it had also been almost 3 years… So the lies continue.
I had been requested in mediation not to talk about issues pertaining to my life specifically what happened over the few years. And I agreed, at first. Upon talking to others though it was a horrified what the hell are you talking about. You can’t do that. Effectively agreeing to that cuts my right to even mention my circumstances in fiction. Because it may be recognised as him. So I didn’t sign. Didn’t matter anyway, the were issues in the mediation that were incorrect in the papers.
It also became apparent he wasn’t going to abide by any agreement anyway. And of course as always, it is all my fault. Has been the whole time. Leaving him many years ago and then reconciling apparently had him hating me for the following years although we had kids together. We bought a house together, built businesses together and did all these things. nope definitely hated me the whole time, and the last lot of texting was paramount to ‘I have always hated you I didn’t want to be with you ever.’
Ah yeah right.
It’s kind of funny in some ways. The woman he left me for, chose him because he was such good material. he was faithful and loving and a great dad and man did she want my life. Yes she actually told me this before he left. Me who still loved him at the time laughed, secure in the knowledge that he loved me. As I held our 4 month old baby. Less then a month later he had gone. And not because he had told me. No after that night I realised something was different and within 3 weeks I pushed, pushed really hard to get a slap in the face and say well too bad I’m done.
I’m sure we’ve all faced that devastating statement at some time or another at the time. I couldn’t believe it. I really couldn’t but hey I learned begging and pleading just hardened his heart. We slept together the first time not long after that. He refused to leave the house as he needed to find somewhere to be with his little love bird. She refused to leave her house with her Hubby as well. Yep she was married. Of course they commiserated over how badly they were treated. Her hubby cheated on her and abused her treating her badly. Ex decided that my leaving was the same thing and the fact he was abused as a child gave them common ground. I couldn’t get him to leave the house legally as it was in our names and that means he could come and go as he pleased. Crazy hey.
The funny thing was Ex spat something about him leaving me being karma and it was like ‘oh hello I’m speaking to his little love bird’. I said as much as well.
I cried a lot. he was happy she was happy and I cried. i also know they read this blog so I am sure it will make them both very happy to know how much I cried. My friends were just as devastated. It was a hard thing, they saw as a great couple who got on well, and it made them look at their marriages a little more closely. I look back over the years and part of me now sees things I didn’t see at the time and it took others to point it out to me. Others not so close to the situation. He is abusive. Emotionally abusive.
He has a great way of making you feel as if it were all your fault and how dare you question him. He would not talk to you for days until you gave in. Worse he wouldn’t talk to the children and that would bring me into line pretty quickly. So when he left I should have been good. But it doesn’t work like that. Fear is huge driving factor in life. Fear and anger. He was driven by anger and I was driven by fear.
The first year we still travelled, we had travelled each year to a town we had lived and helped with an event there. I still went. He told her I was going and I thought surely this would upset her and she would see that he was still sleeping with me. Surely she would know. Desperate I know. But hey I never said I was sane during this. I was desperate. I didn’t think I could cope. We stayed in the same bed in the same hotel and he was charming toward me and loving. I know now it wasn’t, it was a game and he was amusing himself. I thought we would have a second chance. He spent mothers day with me and his mother, he would stay the night in my bed, the children forever thinking he would come back because of this, me as well. I spoke to his family as I was confused and they couldn’t understand although they advised me to move on, I didn’t I was stuck.
Birthdays came and went, fathers day and they were all spent with me, with us. in my bed. I sent an email in September stating I wanted it to be dealt with, but I wasn’t strong enough to follow through and when he attacked me about sending the email I caved and let it lie, even sending a text to her so that she would believe it was all a lie. Christmas came and went and a pattern emerged every three months or so he would melt down. At one melt down he spat at me if it weren’t for him looking after the children while I worked nights then I would lose the house. I was very deliberate. I quit the night work and found a day job and made sure his lovebird knew all about it. I thought it would get him away. I thought she would stand up to him and say NO you will stay with me, in a proper relationship. No it didn’t work. He still stayed nights. More nights with me than with her. The routine would change sometimes it was a few nights in a row or it would be alternate nights. I was getting stronger throughout this. I used it to control him as well.
If you…. I will tell…
We travelled to the event in the second year. he told her he took the kids, he did, but he took me as well. She wanted to go. I remember him telling me, he told her no because he wanted to spend the time with the girls. Girls had a ball. He slept with me. He never told them at the event that he wasn’t with me. He seemed quite content to let them see us as the family unit. he would even say to them come over home we would love you to stay with us. We even had exchange students stay with us and they would see him come and go, the girls would tell them he works in the city. Which was the truth, not the full truth but the truth. The girls school friends would also stay and he would sleep in the room with me, they thought it odd, they knew he had left. It was odd, something to regret.
She found out a few times but she didn’t want to believe. Still doesn’t. he lies to her every day because the truth is never going to be told to her by him. Even as she reads this, she will become infuriated and call me a big fat liar. Hilarious really because most people would think that they would see the warning signals and run, especially if they have been cheated on before. I also learned throughout this that people really don’t like to be thought of as making yet another stupid mistake and will put the blinkers on hard and fast.
I regret teaching my children a few things. I regret teaching them that he could treat us badly and get away with it. I regret teaching them that it’s all right for someone to cheat and come back as long as they make half arsed promises to work it out. I regret teaching them that it’s ok to lie. 2 years I did that. 2 years. A long time in young lives.
So why write about it now? Well now I feel safe. Now I am away from the fact he could walk into my house whenever he wanted and sit down on my bed and yap at me unless he got his way. He got physically violent. Blames me of course, putting a finger up and taking a step toward him was physically threatening. He says I went across the room at him and he just shoved me out of the way. Unfortunately for him that is not how it was seen by others either.
It’s sad how everyone knew what he was doing, his children, his family, his best friend, the neighbours where he lives now and yet the one person who should know and realise and had all the indicators, including being told, doesn’t. Maybe she’s too afraid to admit it. Maybe she is too afraid to say I fucked up. it’s easier to blame me. that I lied and manipulated everyone.
I don’t really know. I wonder if I should visit her one day and say ‘hey look, this is the way it happened’ show her a few photos and things but still I don’t know whether it would be enough. And really who am I to deny karma? Karma is funny like that.
I entered my old house recently. It was interesting to say the least. I thought I would have a myriad of feelings and really all I felt was relief and pity.
I looked around and saw similar furniture, in the same place as I had it. Beds, tables, lounges. I don’t suppose there is much that can be changed in some respects but still it made me smile as I saw it. I saw the tiles I selected on the floors, I saw the air conditioner I purchased on the wall and realised that my ghost is in that house.
It wasn’t just me that said it either. It was said to me earlier by another, that although I would be gone from the house my presence would be there. My choices of plants in the garden, the landscaping of the garden all discussed with me. Animals purchased with me. Not just that but my life imprinted in those walls, the neighbours my friends, raising children within those walls. The master room where I spent my sleeping hours and writing among other things.
My partner spent time with me there as well, but I am glad to be out. Start afresh with my love, no memories to be around, nothing for children to comment about. But it is still my house and I am able to wander in and out when I please. Able to see what they try to do to remove my presence, amusing to me in many ways, I am in that house, I helped build it, I helped design it, my friends helped build it. I am in that house in a very personal way. I may not have got to finish it but it I am there.
Watching body language is also very telling. Stiffness, proprietary touches and discomfort. Gotta love that, it’s all food for books. To see things happening in front of you is interesting. To see it when truth is known is fascinating, especially when truth is known by all parties bar one. And that one if they have any intelligence would know. But as they say denial is a wonderful place to be. I know I’ve been there often. Refusing to accept the truth until you practically choke on it. The body language tells all. Which makes books more real to people. Unable to look at me, moving away, stilted answers to easy questions. But the nuances of it all is what grabs me. Will grab readers.
Life continues to grow easier, my love supports me in ways I never knew and his desire to see me succeed is amazing to me. I was writing through the night and he awoke, wrapped himself around me, told me he loved me and went back to sleep. He would much rather me write with me in bed rather than me leaving the bed. He wants me to write and is happy when I am. He wants me to stretch out and be all that I am.
And so here I am, blogging, writing short stories, and working on my novels. All in the middle of the night when I am at my most creative. Who knew a person could help set you free?
Well it’s true we do. But we write regardless of whether we get published or not. We write.
We write in diaries, on blogs and on pieces of paper lying around. We write. We are driven to write. It is a compulsion we can’t deny any more than breathing. Doesn’t mean all are good at it, or that we all want to be published. But we want to write, we need to write. As I have healed the urge to write has returned. I have written but editing what I have written, ugh. hate that bit. But as I am keen to have another few published, editing is a must.
I write about what I feel, how I am, what has happened to me. I often take snippets of real life, of real people and pop them into stories. Snippets come from things you hear from strangers, sights you see; a tearful face, an argument are all food for the writer. I also become the story as I create it. It is real to me, for it contains me. My emotions go into it, my thoughts, my ideas. I can lose myself while writing and have to drag myself back to reality.
I have learned that people can take offence at what is written. They take it personally or they hate the truth. Even when it isn’t always aimed at someone in particular I have learned that people will take it as a dig at them anyway. And even when it is just the plain truth, well truth sucks and it can hurt. They don’t like it.
So as a writer emotions and parts of everything else go into my writing. Part of the reason I didn’t update my blog was what happened. It was too raw for me and so I couldn’t face it. I thought by avoiding writing I could avoid it. Doesn’t work well. I was busy as well, working, parenting, surviving. I am still busy, but, the drive to write is revving up. I have opened up a few WIPs and sure enough I am editing. And ideas are no longer diving from my grasp. Well the reality is the ideas were there but when it came to writing them I would only get so far and then lose the oomph. I think I have well over 50 incomplete WIPs and about 8 WIPS that really need editing.
The emotions are better now and the writing flows longer and the stories have endings rather than nothing appearing. The incomplete WIPs I am able to look at and complete. I have other story ideas away from my normal style. I look forward to bringing them into being.
I am writer, I will write.
What makes a good story line?
Heartbreak?
Betrayal?
Lying?
Revenge?
and then a happy ending?
Sounds like a fabulous story with all these elements doesn’t it? Well really it was the story of my life. Admittedly I played a big part in it, not the innocent victim after a while. But that was because the worm turned and was trying to fight back.
I learned quite a few things in these past few years. Number one I am not a good mistress. I discovered I really don’t like lies and discovered that the man lying to be with me wasn’t who I thought he was and I lost respect for him. Sex was a weapon.
It was kind of funny though. Who was I being a mistress to? I was the mistress to the man who walked out of my life. I should have let him go. But I had children and a fear I couldn’t cope. Well the truth of the matter is I could cope. I coped very well thank you. I became stronger and less reliant and as time went on I stepped further and further from the security of what I knew, longing for more. I longed for someone to love me. Only me. I longed to be able to trust again. because when you are wrapped in lies you don’t trust.
I saw lies told to his new “love”, time and time again. When the children said something he would tell me how he had convinced her of his innocence, and something would shrivel in me. I learned a lot in that time, not easy to realise about yourself but hey there it is.
I would hear how he had used me as an excuse, “I told her you weren’t willing to sell the house.” Part true. I didn’t want to leave the security of my friends that had become my family over the years. But it was him, not wanting to make the full decision. I finally did though. Another fight and that was it. I would have tried but he was so wrapped up in himself that I could no longer bear it and the truth hit me hard. He was a cheat and a liar. He lied so much he couldn’t remember what he had told me. Let alone everyone else.
He started to lash out hurting his children and myself even more until I finally left the house and he reclaimed it as his. Funny really he wears clothes he always claimed to hate, and has colours in the house he always refused to entertain.
Meanwhile I have found a person. He is wonderful. Not perfect but perfect for me. He genuinely loves and cares for me and does things that makes me stop and smile constantly. he is thoughtful and supportive. Oh we clash occasionally and we have strong difference of opinions, but he stimulates my mind and I find him wonderful. He wants to encourage me in things that I had laid aside. He wants me to be happy and I him.
And he knows. He knows what I did. He can’t figure out why and the reasons are almost impossible to explain. But I am who I am and I have learned more about myself then I could have thought possible in that time. I am still getting stronger and I am thrilled to have someone to share my life with again. I wasn’t expecting it. But still it happened.
I am hoping to settle and write and edit again. I had started writing even finished a book, but my heart wasn’t in it. My heart is coming round now it is healed and whole. My man just complements me. We suit so well. My heart is full. And there are new things on the horizon. Look forward to seeing you there.
I have started to edit a manuscript. Yep it’s finished but needs the polishing. I have to admit I am the QUEEN of “and”.
It shows all the way through the writing and, and ,and. It is enough to drive anyone nuts. I found a new tool thanks to the lovely people at Natural Reader.
It is a text to voice software piece and the one I downloaded is free. For me the free version will do although it is tempting to buy so I can adjust some of the words it pronounces LOL.
It picks up all my niggling bad habits of repeating words and phrases, the one habit that annoys me terribly when I read. For example the book I was reading the other day used the word riposte. It is french for retort, it actually stopped me for a moment as it is a word infrequently seen. I liked the way it was used in this first instance. Unfortunately after the 6th or 7th time it annoyed me.
It was used at least once every chapter and in one instance was used a second time in a paragraph. When a word is unusual there is nothing wrong with using it more than once in a book but a continual use can pull the reader from the story as it leaps out at them.
So this reader will help me pick up on the way things read. I have already used it to pick up where commas are needed and sentences sound awkward. So why are the people from Natural reader so lovely?
Well it wouldn’t load onto my laptop. I tried each option they had for downloading it but it just woldn’t work. I thought it was me and sent them an email only half expecting a reply. they were fabulous. emailed me within 4 hours (remembering I am on the other side of the world in a totally different time zone) with a link. I tried the link and it failed to work. So I emailed them again to let them know. Within 3 hours they had sent another link. This one worked.
Now if this is the service I receive for a free product then I can’t imagine the service i would receive for their paid product. I would not hesitate to recommend them. The tool itself is useful for writers as sometimes even when we read it aloud we can still misread words we have written. This voice gives us a totally independent read. Something we can do with at times.
I also entered a competition. It’s an ongoing competition at Chase the Dream and I have a few that I can scrub up and enter. I may not do anything but I’m hoping the practice with editing will do me good. It’s fun anyway.
Anyway I hope your New Year is going great guns.
I find it hard keeping the blogs separate and the only reason I do so is that I write adult books as well as children books which go under my real name. Part of me doesn’t want to mix it all up but another part of me realises it is hard to keep life apart.. So I may just may look at condensing it into one blog.
Still not sure though.
photo from getty images
Oh yeah, when you want to write everything is thrown at you to prevent it. I have resorted to google docs to write,
Why google docs? Well it is kinda portable. I can be anywhere and work on it from any computer or even my phone if I get really desperate. Not ideal but at least I am no cut off from it. I have contacted technical support to see if I can get it working again. Fingers crossed. there is no way i can really get another, this one fell into my hands cheaply. If it won’t work I will just grab a nebook and work in google docs so I can still have the portability that the Dana offers me. Editing would still be done on the laptop but for writing well I could do worse.
We will play the wait and see game. Bubs has decided to let my boob go, so I thought to myself that I would have a chance to write, nup, instead I chased round doing jobs that just had to be done for kids, hubbies jobs etc etc. In a short while NaNoWriMO will start and I will be there putting my best/worst foot forward and i am going to try and hit those magic 50,000 words.
Ready, steady write.
Bronwyn Lee 