Writing Websites

•October 11, 2012 • Leave a Comment

These sites are sites that can be useful to a writer

http://www.synonym.com
Plug in the word out spits the synonym or antonym or even use the site as a dictionary. It will be useful.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar
confused about nouns, pronouns, verbs this site is helpful

NaNoWriMo – writing for a whole month

Edit Minion – a robotic copy editor to find common errors

Roast

•September 28, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Oh the smell, it’s gorgeous.  The aroma wafts throughout the house, causing everyone to salivate.

It’s a wonderful roast.  Plenty of meat on the rump, little fat the skin crisping beautifully, who doesn’t love sneaking the crispy skin of a roast before it’s served?

“When will it be ready?” Bree is looking at me, pleadingly.

“When it’s done.” A standard reply in this house.  Her face falls and I relent. “About ½ an hour, the potatoes need a little longer before we start the gravy and peas and corn.”

She smiles and skips off pigtails bouncing.

Food, good food brings a family together.  Binds friends together over laughter and conversation.

But this meal is for family only.  We have a Sunday roast weekly and it’s always family only.

Brett comes in and kisses the back of my neck.  I wiggle against him, smiling up at him. Together for so many years and still happy and in love.

“Smells fabulous as always, my sweet. You’ve done well Marie” he drops a kiss on my nose smiles at our eldest daughter, Marie and wanders off.

The roast today is special.  Marie, did most of the work.  She chose the beast, rounded it up and helped slaughter it. She prepared it, although I have been assisting, it’s her work.  She’s learned well over the years, how to make sure the meat is tender and juicy.  Ensuring the crackling is just so.  The right herbs and spices.

The meal is served and the aroma hasn’t let us down, it tastes just as good as it smells.

The meat is so tender it falls apart.  The potatoes are crispy and delicious.

Everyone is smiling and the conversation is flowing.

I ask Marie how it felt to be so involved with the preparation of the food.

She beams, she is positively glowing.

“It’s amazing, Mum.  I never knew how great it could be.”

Bree and Ryan both start talking at the same time.

“when will I be able to?”

“Awww it’s not fair Marie got to!”

Laughing Brett tells them when they’re old enough and if they’ve learned their lessons well they will also be able to follow in Marie’s footsteps.

“What do we do with the rest of the meat?” Ryan this time

“Well some of it will be minced, others cut into steak, more roasts.  Anything  that isn’t used by us will go to the dogs.”

I like the fact that nothing is wasted, even the bones get crushed once the dogs are finished and thrown in the compost.  The meat will last us a while, we have chicken and lamb as well.

Marie goes to the fridge, she opens it, the head of the young man she seduced and brought home for our meal stares out with sightless eyes.  She pushes it aside and grabs the juice.

“I’ll be helping with that won’t I mum?” She swigs from the juice bottle.

“Yes you will dear, and use a cup next time.”

The Fox

•July 25, 2015 • Leave a Comment

The fox went out on a chilly night. He prayed to the moon to give him light. He had many a mile to go that night before he reached the town-o’

I hate the fact I can’t get that refrain out of my head.  What’s worse is I can’t remember the rest of the song.  It’s stuck in your head but it’s not even the whole bloody song.

So here I am in the dark trying to remember the song.

I could get my phone and search it up.  But I’m comfortable and don’t really want to disturb anything I’d be sure to trip over something and make a noise, destroying the peace.

How does that song go?

‘He ran till he came to a great big pen where the ducks and the geese were put therein.

“A couple of you will grease my chin before I leave this town-o’

Silly song.  But it’s so catchy.  I should know it after all these years.  Heard it as a child, the wife sings it to the kids.  They all seem to like it and really so do I.

I see movement in the dark. I pull my rifle up, and look through the sight.  There he is, a healthy looking fox but he’s healthy because of my chickens.  He’s sneaky skirting the edges, trying to find a way in to the pen.

‘He grabbed the great goose by the neck. He threw a duck across his back. He didn’t mind the quack, quack and the legs all danglin’ down-o’

I ease the rifle bolt into position, it makes a slight click, he stops, ear twitching, nose in air.  I don’t move.  I don’t want him to run.  He needs to stay.  He waits, then relaxes and continues to check the pen.  He is within range now.  I stroke the trigger, waiting.

‘The old gray Woman jumped out of bed, out of the window she popped her head.

Cryin’ John, John the great goose is gone,the Fox is on the town-o.

Such a beautiful creature, I know they’re a pest, but it’s not their fault.  He’s trying to push into the pen.  He stops.  I smile. He won’t be stealing my chickens tonight.

‘He ran till he came to his nice warm den, there were the little ones 8, 9, 10

Sayin’ Daddy, Daddy better go back again, it must be a mighty fine town-o’

The fox has found what I’ve left for him.  He grabs it greedily making off with it. He will take it to his family.  I know he has one.  He has only recently started plundering regularly with the cooler weather. I have finally remembered the song.

‘The Fox and his Wife, without any strife. They cut up the goose with a fork and a knife

And they never had such a supper in their life. And the little ones chewed on the bones-o.’

But it will be his and his family’s last meal, laced with poison.

Fight

•July 23, 2015 • Leave a Comment

“Did you hear about the fight?” The question whispers through the kitchen.

“No, do tell.”

“They’re trying to outdo each other and determine who is more important.”

“What?  How could that be determined? They both have jobs to do.”

“Well one says the other is sloppy and spills a lot.”

“Ha, that’s the pot calling the kettle black!”

“I know right.  You’d really think after all this time, the saucepan and the frypan would realise they are both necessary to the cooks in the kitchen.”

The cutlery rattled in their drawers in disgust.  Everyone knows that they are the most important in the kitchen.

Without them nothing would get started.

Restless

•July 22, 2015 • Leave a Comment

The sermon is going for too long.
I sneak a look around the church, I think everyone must feel a little like me their eyes are glazed over. Mr Robertson has dozed off. I suppress a smile, his wife has noticed and pokes him, she will no doubt give him an ear bashing for that later.
The droning voice.
I try not to fidget, fidgeting in church is always frowned upon. Why can’t it be more fun, tell a few jokes, have people join in. I mean who wants to sit for an hour and listen to one person?
Stand up, sit down, kneel, sit. I have seen other churches where they dance and sing, that would be cool.
Happy faces instead of this reserve, this severity.
I don’t know maybe I’m just young. Maybe I don’t understand it properly. I just like the idea of celebrating God.
I realise I’m shifting around, people are looking at me in a curious manner.
I stop. Serious face. Hands clasped. Eyes front and lowered.
I sigh inwardly. Heaven forbid a sigh, a smile almost escapes my lips. No pun intended.
I make a decision, next week I am going to make a few changes. I will work on my new sermon all week. I have an idea budding. My voice is no longer droning as excitement builds in me. Even Mr Robertson is watching me.
This is my church and my congregation, I am going to make it the best it can possibly be. We will be rejoicing. I smile and stop my speech, the congregation looks back at me in confusion.
This will be wonderful. Let’s get down to the business of celebrating God.

Ignite

•July 22, 2015 • Leave a Comment

The still of the night, the heat pressing down on me.  Air so hot you have to suck it in, almost scorching my lungs, not just breathe.  I love the night, the quiet and where I am, the stars are so many, so beautiful.

I come here to escape the city, the noise, the lights.  I come here for a chance to regroup, take control of my life, see things in a different light.

Never the same place twice, so many places to see.  Always secluded, I don’t want people around me.  I want to enjoy this time. Not have to think about others, not have to worry what they think as I touch the trees, listen to the dry undergrowth crunching underfoot, lifting my face and arms to a breeze that comes and goes, a brief respite from the cloying heat.

I am restless, moving around from one area to another, looking for the perfect spot to settle on.

I don’t want to go too far though. I like to be close to my bike, not that it would be stolen as I am nowhere near anyone, but I don’t want to to get lost. In such a remote area I wouldn’t be found easily.

I finally settle on area.  It is flat and grassy, a gentle breeze rustling the dried grass ever so slightly.

It’s perfect.

I kneel down.  I light the match and ignite the grass.

The breeze pushes it, and I watch it race away before I turn and make my way back to my bike. I long to watch the world burn but it isn’t safe, I feel rejuvenated knowing the fire will clean everything and as the area isn’t easy to reach it will burn a long time.

I take off heading for home, I feel better already.

Still alive

•March 5, 2015 • Leave a Comment

And writing.

I am going to publish some things on my site.  I have joined a couple of writing groups and one of them is flash fiction.

I adore the challenge of getting a story out in such few words. The group I am in is under 500 words.

I have also been writing poetry and working on other items as well.

My aim for this year is get some of my smaller items published.  And go from there. I think I will need to rearrange my Blog a little. Freshen it up.

Musings

•November 6, 2012 • Leave a Comment

What makes a person look at another and say ‘yep I am in love with them, they are with another, ahhhh fuck it I’m going to try anyway.’  And what makes another person go, ‘hey yeah this is great let’s stuff the relationship.’

Questions that can never be answered.  Of course they tell you ‘We are in love.’ ‘We couldn’t help it.’ ‘It was destiny’

Yeah right.  I tend to believe doesn’t matter how attractive you find another person that if you are married, they are married then you keep your hands to yourself.  Funny thing was I thought my ex was like that too.  When I look at papers he sent me.  He can’t spell his children’s names right, apparent;y he left me months before we had our last child, which, was news to me as he certainly insisted that he hadn’t done anything till after he had told me he was leaving.  Oh and that even though he still insisted the woman that he ran off to be with believed that a a 2 year point that it had also been almost 3 years… So the lies continue.

I had been requested in mediation not to talk about issues pertaining to my life specifically what happened over the few years.  And I agreed, at first.  Upon talking to others though it was a horrified what the hell are you talking about.  You can’t do that.  Effectively agreeing to that cuts my right to even mention my circumstances in fiction.  Because it may be recognised as him.  So I didn’t sign.  Didn’t matter anyway, the were issues in the mediation that were incorrect in the papers.

It also became apparent he wasn’t going to abide by any agreement anyway.  And of course as always, it is all my fault.  Has been the whole time.  Leaving him many years ago and then reconciling apparently had him hating me for the following years although we had kids together.  We bought a house together, built businesses together and did all these things.  nope definitely hated me the whole time, and the last lot of texting was paramount to ‘I have always hated you I didn’t want to be with you ever.’

Ah yeah right.

It’s kind of funny in some ways.  The woman he left me for, chose him because he was such good material.  he was faithful and loving and a great dad and man did she want my life.  Yes she actually told me this before he left.  Me who still loved him at the time laughed, secure in the knowledge that he loved me.  As I held our 4 month old baby.  Less then a month later he had gone.  And not because he had told me.  No after that night I realised something was different and within 3 weeks I pushed, pushed really hard to get a slap in the face and say well too bad I’m done.

I’m sure we’ve all faced that devastating statement at some time or another at the time.  I couldn’t believe it.  I really couldn’t but hey I learned begging and pleading just hardened his heart.  We slept together the first time not long after that.  He refused to leave the house as he needed to find somewhere to be with his little love bird.  She refused to leave her house with her Hubby as well.  Yep she was married.  Of course they commiserated over how badly they were treated.  Her hubby cheated on her and abused her treating her badly.  Ex decided that my leaving was the same thing and the fact he was abused as a child gave them common ground.  I couldn’t get him to leave the house legally as it was in our names and that means he could come and go as he pleased.  Crazy hey.

The funny thing was Ex spat something about him leaving me being karma and it was like ‘oh hello I’m speaking to his little love bird’.  I said as much as well.

I cried a lot.  he was happy she was happy and I cried.  i also know they read this blog so I am sure it will make them both very happy to know how much I cried.  My friends were just as devastated.  It was a hard thing, they saw as a great couple who got on well, and it made them look at their marriages a little more closely.  I look back over the years and part of me now sees things I didn’t see at the time and it took others to point it out to me.  Others not so close to the situation.  He is abusive.  Emotionally abusive.

He has a great way of making you feel as if it were all your fault and how dare you question him.  He would not talk to you for days until you gave in.  Worse he wouldn’t talk to the children and that would bring me into line pretty quickly.  So when he left I should have been good.  But it doesn’t work like that.  Fear is  huge driving factor in life.  Fear and anger.  He was driven by anger and I was driven by fear.

The first year we still travelled, we had travelled each year to a town we had lived and helped with an event there.  I still went.  He told her I was going and I thought surely this would upset her and she would see that he was still sleeping with me.  Surely she would know.  Desperate I know.  But hey I never said I was sane during this.  I was desperate.  I didn’t think I could cope.  We stayed in the same bed in the same hotel and he was charming toward me and loving.  I know now it wasn’t, it was a game and he was amusing himself.  I thought we would have a second chance.  He spent mothers day with me and his mother, he would stay the night in my bed, the children forever thinking he would come back because of this, me as well.   I spoke to his family as I was confused and they couldn’t understand although they advised me to move on, I didn’t I was stuck.

Birthdays came and went, fathers day and they were all spent with me, with us.  in my bed.  I sent an email in September stating I wanted it to be dealt with, but I wasn’t strong enough to follow through and when he attacked me about sending the email I caved and let it lie, even sending a text to her so that she would believe it was all a lie.  Christmas came and went and a pattern emerged every three months or so he would melt down.  At one melt down he spat at me if it weren’t for him looking after the children while I worked nights then I would lose the house.  I was very deliberate.  I quit the night work and found a day job and made sure his lovebird knew all about it.  I thought it would get him away.  I thought she would stand up to him and say NO you will stay with me, in a proper relationship.  No it didn’t work.  He still stayed nights.  More nights with me than with her.  The routine would change sometimes it was a few nights in a row or it would be alternate nights.  I was getting stronger throughout this.  I used it to control him as well.

If you….  I will tell…

We travelled to the event in the second year.  he told her he took the kids, he did, but he took me as well. She wanted to go.  I remember him telling me, he told her no because he wanted to spend the time with the girls.  Girls had a ball.  He slept with me.  He never told them at the event that he wasn’t with me.  He seemed quite content to let them see us as the family unit.  he would even say to them come over home we would love you to stay with us.  We even had exchange students stay with us and they would see him come and go, the girls would tell them he works in the city.  Which was the truth, not the full truth but the truth.  The girls school friends would also stay and he would sleep in the room with me, they thought it odd, they knew he had left.  It was odd, something to regret.

She found out a few times but she didn’t want to believe.  Still doesn’t.  he lies to her every day because the truth is never going to be told to her by him.  Even as she reads this, she will become infuriated and call me a big fat liar.  Hilarious really because most people would think that they would see the warning signals and run, especially if they have been cheated on before.  I also learned throughout this that people really don’t like to be thought of as making yet another stupid mistake and will put the blinkers on hard and fast.

I regret teaching my children a few things.  I regret teaching them that he could treat us badly and get away with it.  I regret teaching them that it’s all right for someone to cheat and come back as long as they make half arsed promises to work it out.  I regret teaching them that it’s ok to lie.  2 years I did that.  2 years.  A long time in young lives.

So why write about it now?  Well now I feel safe.  Now I am away from the fact he could walk into my house whenever he wanted and sit down on my bed and yap at me unless he got his way.  He got physically violent.  Blames me of course, putting a finger up and taking a step toward him was physically threatening.  He says I went across the room at him and he just shoved me out of the way.  Unfortunately for him that is not how it was seen by others either.

It’s sad how everyone knew what he was doing, his children,  his family, his best friend, the neighbours where he lives now and yet the one person who should know and realise and had all the indicators, including being told, doesn’t.  Maybe she’s too afraid to admit it.  Maybe she is too afraid to say I fucked up.  it’s easier to blame me.  that I lied and manipulated everyone.

I don’t really know.  I wonder if I should visit her one day and say ‘hey look, this is the way it happened’ show her a few photos and things but still I don’t know whether it would be enough.  And really who am I to deny karma?  Karma is funny like that.

 

 

 
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