Musings

What makes a person look at another and say ‘yep I am in love with them, they are with another, ahhhh fuck it I’m going to try anyway.’  And what makes another person go, ‘hey yeah this is great let’s stuff the relationship.’

Questions that can never be answered.  Of course they tell you ‘We are in love.’ ‘We couldn’t help it.’ ‘It was destiny’

Yeah right.  I tend to believe doesn’t matter how attractive you find another person that if you are married, they are married then you keep your hands to yourself.  Funny thing was I thought my ex was like that too.  When I look at papers he sent me.  He can’t spell his children’s names right, apparent;y he left me months before we had our last child, which, was news to me as he certainly insisted that he hadn’t done anything till after he had told me he was leaving.  Oh and that even though he still insisted the woman that he ran off to be with believed that a a 2 year point that it had also been almost 3 years… So the lies continue.

I had been requested in mediation not to talk about issues pertaining to my life specifically what happened over the few years.  And I agreed, at first.  Upon talking to others though it was a horrified what the hell are you talking about.  You can’t do that.  Effectively agreeing to that cuts my right to even mention my circumstances in fiction.  Because it may be recognised as him.  So I didn’t sign.  Didn’t matter anyway, the were issues in the mediation that were incorrect in the papers.

It also became apparent he wasn’t going to abide by any agreement anyway.  And of course as always, it is all my fault.  Has been the whole time.  Leaving him many years ago and then reconciling apparently had him hating me for the following years although we had kids together.  We bought a house together, built businesses together and did all these things.  nope definitely hated me the whole time, and the last lot of texting was paramount to ‘I have always hated you I didn’t want to be with you ever.’

Ah yeah right.

It’s kind of funny in some ways.  The woman he left me for, chose him because he was such good material.  he was faithful and loving and a great dad and man did she want my life.  Yes she actually told me this before he left.  Me who still loved him at the time laughed, secure in the knowledge that he loved me.  As I held our 4 month old baby.  Less then a month later he had gone.  And not because he had told me.  No after that night I realised something was different and within 3 weeks I pushed, pushed really hard to get a slap in the face and say well too bad I’m done.

I’m sure we’ve all faced that devastating statement at some time or another at the time.  I couldn’t believe it.  I really couldn’t but hey I learned begging and pleading just hardened his heart.  We slept together the first time not long after that.  He refused to leave the house as he needed to find somewhere to be with his little love bird.  She refused to leave her house with her Hubby as well.  Yep she was married.  Of course they commiserated over how badly they were treated.  Her hubby cheated on her and abused her treating her badly.  Ex decided that my leaving was the same thing and the fact he was abused as a child gave them common ground.  I couldn’t get him to leave the house legally as it was in our names and that means he could come and go as he pleased.  Crazy hey.

The funny thing was Ex spat something about him leaving me being karma and it was like ‘oh hello I’m speaking to his little love bird’.  I said as much as well.

I cried a lot.  he was happy she was happy and I cried.  i also know they read this blog so I am sure it will make them both very happy to know how much I cried.  My friends were just as devastated.  It was a hard thing, they saw as a great couple who got on well, and it made them look at their marriages a little more closely.  I look back over the years and part of me now sees things I didn’t see at the time and it took others to point it out to me.  Others not so close to the situation.  He is abusive.  Emotionally abusive.

He has a great way of making you feel as if it were all your fault and how dare you question him.  He would not talk to you for days until you gave in.  Worse he wouldn’t talk to the children and that would bring me into line pretty quickly.  So when he left I should have been good.  But it doesn’t work like that.  Fear is  huge driving factor in life.  Fear and anger.  He was driven by anger and I was driven by fear.

The first year we still travelled, we had travelled each year to a town we had lived and helped with an event there.  I still went.  He told her I was going and I thought surely this would upset her and she would see that he was still sleeping with me.  Surely she would know.  Desperate I know.  But hey I never said I was sane during this.  I was desperate.  I didn’t think I could cope.  We stayed in the same bed in the same hotel and he was charming toward me and loving.  I know now it wasn’t, it was a game and he was amusing himself.  I thought we would have a second chance.  He spent mothers day with me and his mother, he would stay the night in my bed, the children forever thinking he would come back because of this, me as well.   I spoke to his family as I was confused and they couldn’t understand although they advised me to move on, I didn’t I was stuck.

Birthdays came and went, fathers day and they were all spent with me, with us.  in my bed.  I sent an email in September stating I wanted it to be dealt with, but I wasn’t strong enough to follow through and when he attacked me about sending the email I caved and let it lie, even sending a text to her so that she would believe it was all a lie.  Christmas came and went and a pattern emerged every three months or so he would melt down.  At one melt down he spat at me if it weren’t for him looking after the children while I worked nights then I would lose the house.  I was very deliberate.  I quit the night work and found a day job and made sure his lovebird knew all about it.  I thought it would get him away.  I thought she would stand up to him and say NO you will stay with me, in a proper relationship.  No it didn’t work.  He still stayed nights.  More nights with me than with her.  The routine would change sometimes it was a few nights in a row or it would be alternate nights.  I was getting stronger throughout this.  I used it to control him as well.

If you….  I will tell…

We travelled to the event in the second year.  he told her he took the kids, he did, but he took me as well. She wanted to go.  I remember him telling me, he told her no because he wanted to spend the time with the girls.  Girls had a ball.  He slept with me.  He never told them at the event that he wasn’t with me.  He seemed quite content to let them see us as the family unit.  he would even say to them come over home we would love you to stay with us.  We even had exchange students stay with us and they would see him come and go, the girls would tell them he works in the city.  Which was the truth, not the full truth but the truth.  The girls school friends would also stay and he would sleep in the room with me, they thought it odd, they knew he had left.  It was odd, something to regret.

She found out a few times but she didn’t want to believe.  Still doesn’t.  he lies to her every day because the truth is never going to be told to her by him.  Even as she reads this, she will become infuriated and call me a big fat liar.  Hilarious really because most people would think that they would see the warning signals and run, especially if they have been cheated on before.  I also learned throughout this that people really don’t like to be thought of as making yet another stupid mistake and will put the blinkers on hard and fast.

I regret teaching my children a few things.  I regret teaching them that he could treat us badly and get away with it.  I regret teaching them that it’s all right for someone to cheat and come back as long as they make half arsed promises to work it out.  I regret teaching them that it’s ok to lie.  2 years I did that.  2 years.  A long time in young lives.

So why write about it now?  Well now I feel safe.  Now I am away from the fact he could walk into my house whenever he wanted and sit down on my bed and yap at me unless he got his way.  He got physically violent.  Blames me of course, putting a finger up and taking a step toward him was physically threatening.  He says I went across the room at him and he just shoved me out of the way.  Unfortunately for him that is not how it was seen by others either.

It’s sad how everyone knew what he was doing, his children,  his family, his best friend, the neighbours where he lives now and yet the one person who should know and realise and had all the indicators, including being told, doesn’t.  Maybe she’s too afraid to admit it.  Maybe she is too afraid to say I fucked up.  it’s easier to blame me.  that I lied and manipulated everyone.

I don’t really know.  I wonder if I should visit her one day and say ‘hey look, this is the way it happened’ show her a few photos and things but still I don’t know whether it would be enough.  And really who am I to deny karma?  Karma is funny like that.

 

 

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~ by Bron on November 6, 2012.

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